Reflections of 2011

Going into 2011, I felt strong, ready for a wonderful year with friends and family. I had clear concise goals and I looked to the future of building upon relationships and growing into a better person. Did I succeed in these goals? Well, yes and no.

First I laid out the following quantifiable goals:

24 Hours of Old Pueblo (solo mtn bike) – Goal was to complete 14 laps of 17 miles in the given 24 hours.

Oceanside 70.3 – Goal was to finish under 5:30.

Boston Marathon – Goal was to finish in under 3:38. Only to PR my previous marathon time.

Ironman CDA 140.6 – Goal was to sub 12:30.

The only goal I hit this year was my Boston Marathon time. I PR'ed this and ran a 3:33, but it was an unrewarding to say the least. Running the Boston Marathon is an amazing day, but I cannot describe this in a blog. It is something only understood by other marathoner's who have run the course, and also It is also only understood by those individuals who have sacrificed blood, sweat, tears, hours of training, moments away from their family to qualify to race this prestigious event in the first place. Yes I was engulfed by the spirit of the race, I was mesmerized by the town, and I was uplifted and rejuvenated coming off course... yet I do not feel I earned my spot in Boston the way others did. It takes runners years and multiple marathons to qualify, yet I did it in one season of specified training and at my first marathon ever. Will I run Boston again? Yes, but not until I feel I have earned it.

24 Hours of Old Pueblo I DNF'ed. It was my first DNF ever yet I sought a bit of revenge later in the year at 24 Hours of Fury with my husband in the co-ed duo category. Not only did we kill the co-ed category but we also placed above all other male duo teams. Go Go Team Estrogen? Or lack thereof in my case....

Oceanside 70.3 I laid out as much as I could and came within the minute, but no such goal.

Ironman CDA 140.6 Although I feel as though I hit my goal in this race because I came very close, I want to say that it was such a beautiful town and Ironman course, that just being there was enough to call "goal".

2011 took me to other areas of racing that I had no idea that I would excel in. First, Xterra, I crushed a local Xterra event in June and was first amateur through the finish line, allowing me to travel to Nationals to compete with the big kids. What an amazing adventure. I am turning into a gifted mountain biker and I'm looking forward to growing in this department.

I'm a runner after all! When I first started running in 2008, I made it a mile, about puked, and half walked, jogged my way back. In March I won a local trail running series and in one of the early races not only beat all the women but came in first amongst all the men as well. In July I ran one of the hardest 50 mile trail runs in the nation in under 12 hours, which qualifies me to run 100 if I do it within the next 2 years. In the later of 2011, I ran a half marathon in 1:33 minutes! I ran my first 5K in 20:58! This is like just above a 7 minute pace, which is crazy for me to comprehend because I have been running just to run. I run track workouts, I run hill repeats, I run long runs, I run recovery runs... all for the "fun" of it. I hadn't been paying attention to how much I had been growing, but I had!

All this that I have talked about already, matters, but it hasn't defined who I am this year. It just defines what I've done and where I've been. True matters to the heart that I must reflect on came on January 11th... early in the year my mother suffered respiratory distress and ultimately lung failure, putting her into the hospital for a good 2 months, unconscious and on life support. I went from careless, fun filled, attentive to mind/body/spirit of myself and those around me... to questioning who I was, where I was, what relationships were important, and other issues such as, when will I sleep again, do I have to go to work after being up all night? Do I have to do this treadmill run at early hours to make sure I maintain my race goals? Did my race goals even matter anymore? I'm have many responsibilities to uphold, how will I accomplish them? Do I even have the desire to accomplish something, and if anything, what?

I maintained a respectable level of training (most would call it overtraining actually, wondering what I was running from), but not the people closest to me. I upheld work. I went to work most days with the occasional interruption due to hospital calls, and emergency situations involving my mother's vitals from one moment to the next. Life or death calls to make, papers to sign, court appearances, attorney's to hire, paperwork and filings I didn't understand, family that doesn't approve of your decisions, your reactions, your approach, or anything YOU. I maintained taking care of my husband and house chores in a decent matter, but I won't say he didn't suffer, he still does with me. He is the only one who saw and sees me when everybody else is gone. The depression and withdrawal, I don't converse as I once did. I get exhausted and irritable within moments of trying to complete tasks that most would find relatively simple. Others didn't see these things, but most felt something was wrong and good friends checked in, helped maintain my sanity by providing moments of fun and games, taking me out to play. I primarily thank Danielle and JenFriend. Shayna/Maria and Rebecca stepped in midyear to also save the day. Coworkers got a taste of irritability and a couple anxiety attacks out of the blue. It is only now that I am understanding everything that has happened to me this year and I give thanks to my friends and family, my husband, and my counselor who has guided and shed light on situations I didn't previously understand.

My mother is back, but due to the treatments she received in the hospital, might never be the same person she once was. She knows this and struggles with it. She is slower to react, is unsure in social situations, struggles with mental processes, and even worse has nightmares and hallucinations on a continual basis. She wishes that I would have let her die and even tried to go back into the hospital just to get her wish. So, her struggles are sometimes unbearable and my heart stays broken for her, but hopeful that with all of us working together that time will eventually heal wounds. On a positive side, she has a new light heartedness to her, she enjoys things that most don't take the time for. For example, painting, it relaxes her. How often do we speed through life and forget to take moments of relaxation for ourselves? I watch her and envy her new found hobby. Her personality is also a lot less judgmental of others now a days. Curious of those around her and accepting of them.

I lost relationships in 2011, I lost my grandparents, I lost my best friend Mary, I lost a connection with my husband. I'm working at all of these as best as I can. As we are coming down to the end of 2011, I've noticed that my grandparents are reaching out to me more. With the trials and tribulations of my mother and me moving further away from them.... when we conflicted, we grew apart. They have always felt something was wrong, but recent events show me that they are wanting to reach out more and desire the same from me. I'm looking forward to working at being that "good ol' number 1" as they call me. (I am the first grandkid). I lost my best friend because I couldn't tell her what I needed of her and she (like me) requires clear concise directions and goals in life to maintain sanity. I threw her a new one when I didn't clearly understand what I needed, let alone give her any direction on how she could be there for me. It separated us early in the year emotionally. It got worse with every event or activity we did together, hurting each other, not being willing to break down that wall when the hurt DID happen and a whirlwind effect thereafter. Acting out against each other in a love/hate way, eventually ended with minimal communication and misery watching each other from afar... wanting to embrace each other but unsure how. I lost a connection I once had with my husband, who always wants to be there for me, allowed me to sink into my depression around the house. He allowed me space to deal with my mother, and I needed that, but it is a double edged sword because while you want space and minimal confrontation of these issues, the long term result is a disconnect, he now will never know really the pain that I felt, the moments I didn't want to make it myself. It was and now will always be a lonely road. I only felt aggravated if he tried to stay with me during late night hospital stays or tried to lend an ear... I pushed away any hard conversations. Still, I remain slightly depressed throughout the evenings, after a long day of putting on face. I am trying to work at being the old Kata I once was in all THREE of these relationships.

Closing in on the year.... My mother will continue to improve and we will all be there for her, to help her find her way. I'm forcing myself out with family, starting with Christmas, to reconnect with my Grandparents, to take in the moment around the old house. I was able to reconnect with Mary, as what she calls an early Christmas gift. I couldn't agree more. I am hoping that 5 months of disconnect/anger/shame/hurtfulness is a sliver of the time I have remaining with her. My husband and I are already starting to reconnect more and more, we make time together to not only run/bike/swim etc. but we make extra time to sit together, eat together, drink a beer together, right now we've taken on a jigsaw puzzle that allows us time to talk without me feeling the pressure of saying too much or letting too much out. In fact I'm enjoying the jigsaw puzzle idea. It allows me disconnect from my thoughts and gives me a sense of peacefulness I haven't found in a while. This is a great relief right now because lately, I have found that reading, which was once so relaxing, has become taxing. Sometimes, a certain thought from an author can spark my brain and divert my thought processes for minutes... finding myself turning back pages to reread what already tried to read.

In 2012, I'm hoping to be going strong. Mentally I am starting to feel more stable. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel yet for my late night depression, BUT perhaps accepting it is there is the first step. I have great friends, I have a great husband, family. I will be racing and leading for the Phoenix Triathlon Club for the duration of '12 and I'm looking forward to an excellent season. My training is currently going strong and I already feel as if I'm getting stronger week by week. I know that I will be able to let loose more often... accept my failures when they arise. I don't want to put an unhealthy amount of stress and pressure on myself during 2012. I Do have quantifiable goals though and I'll share them now:

-Run under 3:30 at PF Changs Marathon and feel confident to sign up for Boston again for 2013.

-Qualify for Xterra Worlds

-Run Zane Grey 50 Miler Ultra in under 13 hours, AND...

-Maintain consistent Age Group placements at all Phoenix Tri Club events and other local races.

I am limiting myself to 4 goals this year race wise for my health and well being. I plan to find a way to rejuvenate myself by taking a bit of an off season before going strong midyear. This doesn't mean I won't be doing any other events, I am just not going to stress myself out with them.

My other goals are to be there for friends and family. I want to be supportive of others and provide leadership in the community the best way I know how.

Sooo onto 2012, but first... the Holidays await and I am already starting to feel more relaxed knowing I have 9 days off before the New Year to rejuvenate my mind body and soul.

Lake Tahoe Rim 50 Mile Trail Run

The Tahoe Rim Trail's motto is "A glimpse of heaven, a taste of hell" This phrase couldn't have been more appropriate as I trans-versed just over 50 miles of the rim trail this past weekend. The annual event, although one of the toughest ultra's in the states due to its altitude and elevation changes, captures enough audience to sell out way in advance. The waiting list was hundred's long come actual race day.

My morning started at 4am. I awoke in our hotel room and started to understand that I was going to have an interesting day due to the fact that I was not even interested in eating my pre-race breakfast. Odd because I was not hungry enough to eat dinner the night before either. I later read that altitude sickness can cause your hunger to subside, your heart rate to increase, it can cause swelling, nausea, dizziness. Throughout the day I was going to experience all of these. In any event, I packed my adventure pack with the necessities, a change of socks/shorts/top, a first aid kit, a little over 1000 calories of miscellaneous nutrition consisting of bars/gel packs/nuts and dried fruit, 2 liters of water.... sunblock and a 1 ounce shot of vodka as a "last resort" and my camera.

Out the door with an apple in hand, I munched slowly while driving to race venue. Race started at 6am at Spooner Lake, an elevation of around 7000 ft. This was my first ultra race so I decided to stick with middle of the packers and follow what they did for the first couple hours. I found that they shuffle through the flats, walk the uphills, and try their best to be light on their feet on the downhills. The key was to minimize the impact of the ground under your feet. Staying with this group was already throwing my heart rate above a comfortable zone and of course I worried. Mile 11 was the first check in and also where I changed out of my warm-up pants and into my running shorts. After-wards my legs felt more open and ready to tackle the next segment.

The Red House loop was a 6 mile loop with 3 freezing stream crossings and enough elevation change to make you start to respect what the trail really had in-store for us. Half way through we hit an aid station and I started to realize that nutrition wasn't going to be an easy task for me today. Nothing looked good. I grabbed a quarter peanut butter and jelly, and continued on. It made me feel sick.

Climbing out of Red House and past mile 17 I found the trail becoming one of the most beautiful trails I have ever seen. The climbs were horrendous but as we starting hitting some top elevations, the views were incredible. I knew my body was wearing on me, but I continued at the best pace I thought I could handle. There was the fear of going to hard and not having enough to finish. 13 miles we ascended and descended (primarily ascended) till Diamond Peak. This is a ski resort located towards the North Lake area. During those 13 miles (6 of them covered in snow) I started to understand what was going to work for me as far as nutrition. It came in liquid form and was maltodexdrin based gel packs. I had been experimenting with the fructose/sucrose in the Stinger Waffles and other bars were in general making me sick. The gel products combined with chicken broth saw me through the rest of the race.

The Diamond Peak aid station is stationed at the ski lodge (30 miles in) and was where safety runners could legally be picked up. A safety runner is somebody that can run behind you, keep you aware, talk you through your worst moments, but realistically just be there as a friend would be. I did not have a safety runner, but the aid station was packed with supporters who cheered and hollered at everybody who came through. Honestly, I wanted to stay here because it was an all out party complete with hamburgers, hot dogs, and Popsicles!

My concern at the Diamond Peak aid station was water and how far the next station was. I had been going through water fairly quickly and while I had not run out between check points yet, I had gotten really close to dry. I could carry 2 liters max at a time. The next aid station was only 2 miles away, but consisted of close to 2500 ft of climbing. I knew the next 2 miles were going to be the most challenging of the trail, turns out that was an understatement. I decided to go light and fill my pack with 1 liter to keep weight off my legs. Off I went, 45 minutes later and dry as a bone, I reached aid for a full fill up. This Bull Wheel aid station (pic below) had one of the most beautiful views as it sat fairly off to the side of Diamond Peak.

Now, the remaining miles were long, hard, gruesome and so very painful. I found that yes I did eventually go through all my water between aid stops and had to suffice to eating some snow to get me through. Yet, there was not a moment out there that I would have traded. The pain I felt with each step, getting me closer and closer was so surreal. I felt so alive, I felt so miserable. I stopped many times and once to sit down to cry a bit.

The most mentally challenging portion of the race came to me at mile 39.3 (to be exact) at the Hobart aid station. It was the first stop on the way out (6 miles) and as it was a looped course, I figured it would be my last and also 6 miles to the finish. As I approached and as I read the mileage sign, I argued with the supporters that it was impossible that there was over 10 miles to go. It was absolutely not possible, but they enlightened me to the fact that I do not return the same way I came in. There was an entirely different route home. I was devastated to say the least, and I was not the only one. I collapsed into a camp chair and hung my head. Aid station workers naturally came over with nutrition and water. I spent about 10 minutes arguing with them and myself about whether or not I had 10 miles left in me. They convinced me to continue on and I did, I emptied the dirt and rocks from my shoes and off I went. I spent the next 15-20 minutes walking, with my head hung low and definitely not in a good place. Yet, when the calories I had eaten finally sunk in, I found energy to continue. A slow jog got me up to the summit of the trail, 9200 ft was Snow Valley Peak and 7 downhill miles awaited me to the finish.

These last 7 miles were painful, but I ran them. Walking hurt more than running at this point. Not only were my muscles holding on for dear life, but my hips were really starting to lock up. I started rounding the lake at 5:40pm and I could hear the music and festivities of the finish line. It pumped me and I gave it all I could to come in before 6pm. Under 12 hours I told myself and yes, 11:55 was my final time. 11 hours and 55 minutes to conquer the "heavenly hell" of Lake Tahoe Rim Trail Ultra!

Right now my body aches like it never has before, but also, my heart and my soul yearns for more. It wishes it was out there again, just to take in one more deep breath of that wonderful rim air and to be able to see one more vista. To be able to touch one more patch of snow and to splash through one more stream.

The next morning I was able to rehash the ups and downs, the trials and tribulations with my good friend Mary who had completed it with me as her first 50 as well. Both coffee and stories flowed for hours until we finally went and soaked our legs in the beautiful cold waters of Lake Tahoe.



I thank Mary for getting me out on these adventures. She always lays out the challenge and I never regret one step of them.

At home, my husband Nick, my Mother and Grandparents.. friends... were all watching closely online to make sure that we both made it out alive. I love the people I have in my life. Without them, it would all mean nothing.

Now I'm onto the next adventures. In 2012, American River 50 miler with my friend, Danielle, who will be taking on her first. The Zane Grey 50 will also be my destination with Eric Glass who lays more smack down challenges on us than any other friend (but also who is the most supportive). The Xterra Triathlon series with my suppa fun hard core off road buddy, Rebecca. And of course my husband who will be by my side through it all.

I'm looking forward to seeing more of the world by foot, bike and water. Bring it!!!!